I haven’t been formally “blogging” as much, since I decided to take a different approach to my website. My experience having this space has been super positive, and I really love coming up with new and different pages to add. I love how some others on Neocities refer to their page as their ‘playground’ because that’s exactly been my experience. It’s especially thrilling to break all of the UX and SEO rules that have been drilled into me. I’ve decided to think of it as a ‘living zine’ about, well, me.

The idea of a zine has always appealed to me, but it’s difficult for me to conceptualize something like that because I can’t draw. I’ve always felt that not being able to express myself in a visual way has been super stifling because I want to be creative so badly… especially visually. And yeah, I’ve tried learning to draw but it’s an especially sore spot for me. I’m fragile… I feel like it’s so much easier to make an impression on someone with something visual, rather than making them read large blocks of text (like this).

“Web design” or whatever you want to call it, is apparently a “passion” of mine. I do it at my job. It’s a source of agony for me a bit, because if anything ever happens to my current job, my skills aren’t super marketable because I don’t know Javascript. I spent 8 months trying to learn… but I have dyscalculia and HUGE issues with math-like logic, and just hearing the term “recursion” gives me heart palpitations and makes me want to cry. Basically, it’s not for me. But that’s what being a “front end” person is nowadays. Oh, if only I was 28 in 2006, I probably could have made a decent salary on HTML/CSS knowledge alone.

Creating a space on the web isn’t the only part of it though. I love browsing other people’s sites for inspiration. I’m especially a fan of the site oocities which lets you search old recovered Geocities pages. It just makes me feel warm and fuzzy, idk. I wonder where all of those people are today.

Oh, and web design isn’t my only passion. Another one is data hoarding. I hope to showcase a bunch of old stuff saved on my hard drives from “back then”. I still have so much more to say about my overall experience on the internet, and I enjoy indulging in the nostalgia of retelling it. I have lots of ideas! Even if no one ever reads this, it makes me feel better that this is out there somewhere. (I have friends, I promise...).

~ Sadness
I can call myself lazy and without willpower for my eating habits. It might even be true. But it’s not the whole truth.

I, like everyone, have a lot of murky, complex and difficult-to-solve problems in my life which cause me mental/emotional/physical turmoil. I’m going to refer to this turmoil as “stress”.

All stress has the potential to be managed, but some stress can be resolved. Once stress is resolved, it’s usually downgraded to “maintenance” mode.

Resolving stress usually requires some combination of the following: willpower, dedication and a lot of time.

The average human has a common toolkit for coping with stress. Imagine a spectrum from healthy to unhealthy, going from yoga to hard drugs or murder. Every person has a different relationship to each of these coping mechanisms. Some of them help a lot more than others. Food falls somewhere in this spectrum. You can take a wild guess how much this one ‘helps’ me :)

Food, tho. Okay, just hear me out. In some cases it’s not so much about the act of eating and consuming the food itself. It’s about imagining the palpable relief you’re going to feel when you first get the food.

It’s also very much about how “wanting the food” is your desire – a pretty modest one compared to all of your others, and how “acquiring the food” is so infinitesimally easy compared to how much of a struggle everything else seems to be. It costs money, but so does my car payment? What is a $2 doughnut compared to a $15k loan I get to see inch down month after month? When you weigh a doughnut against drugs and alcohol that may impact your health (or just are hella expensive…) the decision becomes simple.

This is my everyday struggle. Do I think grabbing a doughnut in the morning is going to make me feel better about the soul-crushing state of the world? I mean, in the moment… absolutely. Because at least I’ll have that goddamn doughnut.

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